NUMBER 3

TO: Mr(s?) Czernaduh

RE: Your sub-submission

Dear Ugh:

I began to read your "submission" and I have come to see that you are a person of obvious talent. Unfortunately, your talent has absolutely nothing to do with the English language. Did you go to school, or were you self taught, as I suspect? In either case, I believe that our society would be better served if you would take your "manuscript" and reduce our dependence on foreign oil by heating your house with it.

I have seen slush in my day, but yours is in a class by itself, demanding a new term. I will not think about what that term might be; for fear that my eyes will fall out from thinking about your "piece" any more than necessary. Are you familiar with the concept of purgatory...the place where one supposedly suffers for their sins? Well, thanks to you, I will never experience that, having already suffered enough.

Thank you for setting a new standard for third graders everywhere. I am sure you will do well at another publishing house, if you can get the vanity press to even look at your "work." Now please excuse me while I try and locate my breakfast, for I seem to have lost it.

Posthumously:

Your Better.

PS: please don't ever mention that you sent this to me, for fear that others of your caliber will send their drivel. Thank you in advance for forgetting you ever heard of Penguin Filet Press.